#i just feel so bad. i cant stop feeling bad. i cant stop feeling stupid
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i have been feeling like actual shit
#kitty talks#super cool getting an std from a flaky girl and now this is with u forever#and you jusy want a chance to have comfortable sex and u were getting there after years of hating ur body but now its a whole new thing#i just feel so bad. i cant stop feeling bad. i cant stop feeling stupid#i want to end whatever i have with this girl because i’m just. so. i dont wanna deal with it anymore#all ive been doing is cry#why did i put myself thrkugh having sex if i was tired and over it. Because i wanged to do good and cuddle and be called sweet#i am so fucking weird about sex. i just want a hug#whatever#i wanted it but i couldnt say that i was done. i just wanted to do good. whats wronh with me
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theres people that build the entire map of botw in fucking minecraft and im sitting here for the 100th time within less than a year crying bc i cant draw a line how i want
#ganondoodles talks#and yet i have more and more in my head#i keep thinking of more and more things i want to draw and show and it keeps piling up#i have always been drawing “at a loss” bc my body is fundamentally unable to keep up with my head#so theres tons of things that just kind of died bc i couldnt get them on paper fast enough#but now it feels even worse#bc i cant get anything out#its not like a clogged drain that drains like half a liter over 5 hours like it used to#its fully clogged but the tap is turned way up so its just getting more and more and nothing gets through#and im tied to a post forced to watch as it rises and spills not able to do anything about it#its so dumb#i know i have enough skill to do the shit i want to do right now#but it just blocked- unavaible- paywalled perhaps but who do i pay and with what#all that is already bad enough but i also have to feel really stupid about it#stairs i have walked up before but now im just standing in front yelling and crying#getting invisible walled by myself but also dont know how to get rid of it or cheat it- which is stupid#shouldnt i know how to get through??????????? yes. yes i should.#maybe i should just not allow myself to even open the browser at all so i can at least stop making these posts#better for everyone probably
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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if we're going to be so real. the source of 90% of my problems is that i get horrifically jealous and I have bpd. but the cool thing is i can also invent reasons to stay upset even if it's only one person upsetting me and he hasn't even interacted with me in a way that would be valid for me to get upset at because i come up with problems that feel worse than they are in reality and in response I stay up until 3am and start spiraling
#because i start trying to explain what's wrong and then typing it out read it back and go#''that's stupid. why am i mad at that'' but the thing is#i AM mad at that and it feels like my life is about to end because of it#a really nice feature of this disorder is i can't maintain memory of emotions#so if something feels bad#my entire life has felt that way.#if im happy ive never been upset in my life#if im angry then i cant understand why i would have ever forgiven anyone#if im in a depressed episode then i can't imagine things ever getting better#which doesn't sound like a big deal i guess but it's caused suicide attempts because i feel like i can never escape the current emotion im#experiencing in that moment#<- mw trying to convince myself im not justified in being as upset as i am but#im afraid it may actually be as bad as i think it is. clasps hands. but whatever#this situation im in currently in my social life is so fucking ass and i just am at a complete loss for what to do and when to stop#and also sorry. this is not about anyone who can read this i promise. i get hyperbolic when i say stuff like#''nobody cares'' bc i know that cant be true
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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god i wish i could stop fuckin thinking this i feel like such a dick i KNOW people with more obvious and more serious disabilities dont "have it better" but i cant stop thinking about it i just wish i could collapse dramatically and get rushed somewhere and magically diagnosed i feel like such a fuckin drama queen because i feel awful all the time but its just like dizziness and pain do i even have the right to claim im disabled? its not like im diagnosed. its not like i know whats wrong. its not like its serious. maybe i am just fuckin faking it.
#i wish i had something horribly wrong with me i know its selfish and bad to say that#but that thought wont leave if i dont write it out#i wish i had some horrible condition or some birth defect or anything that was OBVIOUS that people could find!!!#i just wish i was worse so i wouldnt feel like im stuck in this fuckin limbo#please reply#i want anyone to talk about this i dont care what just please#these thoughts wont leave and i feel like such a dick for thinking them anf they wont fuckin stop#anon says shit#cpunk#cripple punk#vent#rant post#disability#maybe#i dont even fuckin know#i wish i did#i wish i was normal but i know i cant be#so i wish i was WORSE just so i could know something is wrong#you dont have to go “oh its not better if your worse” i KNOW#I KNOW its fuckin selfish n privileged n stupid to think like this n it wotn fucking stop god help me please
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Kai and Aoi's tweets 11-14 June
#the gazette#I CANT BELIEVE AOI USED THE _(:3 ｣ ∠)_ KAOMOJI I LITERALLY SCREAMED??#I've been having a Moment going through super old tweets and remembered that he loved tweeting this stupid thing so much. and i love it#its funny and also bad. its so aoi#maybe he's been feeling nostalgic as well#btw when he tweeted that its hot? sis it was like 38 degrees here when you tweeted that :3#anyway also hi kai.#i cant believe aoi tweets literally every day i love him.#unironically worried about ruki tho#man i hope he's okay#ALSO I FUCKING HATE THAT I MISS OUT ON AOI'S TWEETS BECAUSE I HATE TWITTER? I WAS JUST PROCRASTINATING SLEEP#AND THOUGHT HUH MAYBE AOI TWEETED SOMETHING. AND HE JUST NEVER STOPPED TWEETING?? hate it here why does no one post their tweets on tumblr.#guess I'll fucking do that then. gotta do everything myself in this house#gazette tw#the gazette twitter#aoi twitter#kai twitter
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#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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IF I GET ONE MORE ILL INFORMED AND INSECURITY BAITING INSTAGRAM REEL ABOUT HEALTH OR FOOD OR COOKING OR BUGS IM GOING TO DELETE THE APP FOREVER OMG STOP
#its so bad i just want pet videos!!!!! i dont need to be told everything that i do is bad for me and i need to keep 1000 things more in mind#this causes cancer this id bad have you tried cooking HAVE YOU TRIED COOKING THIS GREAT MEAL YOU LAZY FUCK WHY ARE YOU NOT COOKING#oh its because i'm disabled and a student living on my own THANKS FOR THE GUILT THO#i literally physically cant. if you want me to eat 'healthy' so badly why dont you come over to my flat and do it for me you shit#its insanely triggering for me like i was raised by an almond parents with a medical degree i cannot do this anymore#everything wants me to have an ed sooo badly but i refuse out of sheer spite you cannot get me you stupid fucks#i'm just so frustrated rn#so triggered#also the ocd#ugh#:(#i wish people would just stop with this 'pov did you know' thing when they dont even know what they're talking about OR just do it for the#anxiety factor views#many ppl feel better if they view this shit and it tells them that THEY are doing everything right instead of those silly lazy ppl#i dont need to CONSTANTLY be exposed to stories about people dying of food poisoning etc#just show me some cute dogs#tw ed#tw food#cw food#food#bugs#cw bugs#cw ed#tw caps#vent#personal#sage posting
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i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit
#yall dont know the meaning of terminally online til u meet me#i hate myself so much its not even funny i am the most miserable worthless scum#my sleep schedule is 7am to 3pm all i do all day is rot on the couch and sometimes draw if i have a drop of motivation#depression is completely kicking my ass and im not even fighting back i give up what the fuck man#theres not even a point for me to keep trying i just want to stop feeling such deep despair 24/7 please#i dont want to die i just want the pain to stop so i can peacefullylive out the rest of this year before i turn 18 and its all over for good#but i cant even have that! im just gonna suffer the whole time thanks great#i wish i could just get better and fix all of this but i cant its not working we dont have the money to#actually get me the help i need to make it work. i just have to figure it out or die#i just wanna go back to ***** ** *** i just want to stop being lonely and useless#i dont know why im posting this shit to tumblr. its so stupid i should just be journaling or something#probably because im worthless selfish scum. idfk.#the last 6 months have been a complete blur. just rotting on the couch or in bed occasionally seeing friends once every other month or so#ive already wasted half of being 17 abd im probably gonna waste the rest too. ill do nothing of worth before i die.#even my art is ugly and horrible and not worth leaving behind. people tell me to work to improve it but i dont have the time left#ill never create any of the things i wanted to create ill never be a good artist im just going to die exactly like this#an absolutely terrible person.#the only people i can talk about the things that make me a terrible person with are people who are terrible in even worse ways#no one can comfort me except them because theyre the only people who know what ive done and actually do see it as less than absolute evil#because they know absolute evil because it is them. but i actually don’t believe that i think theyre bad but could be good#idk what im saying anymore#someone shoot me#please im not kidding#just make it stop#tw vent#tw sui#delete later
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man.. i wish i had someone to talk to about this but i either literally cannot say or i dont trust anyone enough
#thunder roars#i hate how easy it is to set me off about this stupid thing#and im stuck vague posting about it lol#the more i notice these little triggers the worse they get everytime#i was able to brush it off like a year or two ago but the longer this goes on the worse it gets#sorry i know its like. really annoying wen i get into a post talking abt this#its just my only slight comfort for it. i dont want people to push me into talking about it if i were to go to my friends to say this#so im just. here. talking about it indirectly#:(#i feel like my life is literally falling apart because of this and i CANT TELL ANYONE#almost everyday its all i think about and it drives me crazy. i want to stop feeling like this so bad#atp i dont even know if venting to someone would help. i need therapy probably. but getting it off my chest would help maybe#sorry ppls dashes i will be normal again promise
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it's every single time i give myself a minute to breathe. a minute away from people, places, distractions, running away from my reality--when the heartbreak catches up and hits me. knocks my fucking breath out.
#as someone who's default has been for the longest time to love love love not being able to give it all the time actually makes me feel#like i am missing a part of me#its the weirdest most incredibly frustrating feeling to feel just slightly off kilter every single minute of the day and knowing u have#no choice but to ignore the oddness bcoz if u poke it its gonna all come crashing down#i hate having loved someone to the point where it was more than how much i loved myself coz now i m left#picking up the pieces they chose to leave behind and not knowing how to piece it all together#and it hurtshurtshurtshurts and never lessens and i can kiss someone else and still feel like a corpse inside#bcoz theres pieces missing that i gave away and that feeling of being incomplete just wont go away#trusting someone to love me forever might have been the stupidest thing i will ever do#and on bad days i think i deserved being left for the sheer stupidity of my life choices#istfg i m never loving again until a man puts a damn ring on my finger#so unbelievably fucking done with this shit#i wanna hate him but i cant and i wanna stop loving but i wont and i wanna feel full again but i dont#tw breakup#tw heartbreak
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stupid asshole who lives in my brain
#haven#oc#traditional media#monochrome#lineart#sketch#horrible beast who i am finally closing in on a narrative for#im so glad honestly i hate having characters just float around disconnected from any kind of actual story with no point#kind of fitting that he was stuck being a tool without a purpose for a while honestly lmao#in terms of a character i have he was very much a purpose-built tool for specific situations#and then i stopped doing oc erp so he stopped being useful#as a *character* he was also about being a tool purpose-built for specific situations (managing really complicated operations#and doing extreme violence to lots of people at once) and now his narrative is about him doing his best to get rid of the situations#and then discovering he doesn't have a purpose and going completely off the rails about it#unfortunately (fortunately? makes him fun to write) he is also an overdramatic entitled pissbaby of a man without the good sense god gave a#rock so he does all sorts of dumb stupid shit all the fucking time if he feels even a little bit bad so he does nothing normal about this#when its done ill share it#ah shit i forgot about . alt text hang on#this one's really only for archival purposes anyway i cant imagine anyone's reblogging this man to their dash#he's so annoying.#ok fixed the alt text
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there are more than 130 people booked to come to the course tomorrow plus walkups and its supposed to be in the upper 90s and low 100s all day PLUS HUMIDITY and im working a double
#i might just kill myself#that sounds like hell#miserable just thinking about it#its going to be so bad#if one more person hits me with some stupid fucking optomism when i complain about my job i might just kill them#im in such a bad mood#there was a single family alone on the course for the entire last hour#how do you not feel bad making us stay#its hot and miserable and we are all being slow cooked#youre complainig about the heat and saying it must suck for us#yea if fucking does leave so i can go home#i hate my job#i want to cry and sleep forever and just stop#but i have a double tomorrow and friday and saturday and sunday and wednesday and thursday#cant wait to get home 8 hours before i need to get up for the next 9 hour shift
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i hate my stupid life everytime i look up did / osdd symptoms i have a LOT of them but if i get diagnosed what if my mother abuses me for it. she doesnt like when im mentally unwell. like really. really doesnt like. like threatens me when im unwell. what then. then ill like. die. THEN ITLL GET WORSE .
#im not saying “i googled did once and now i think i have it!” btw. i dont know if i have it#but my memory is FUCKED and i have alters and i keep feeling dissociated. i can barely feel my body evertyhing feels so numb#and this owrld barely feels real.#BUT ITS HARD TO TELL IF MY SYMTPOMS R BAD ENOUGH??#we mask SO much its not even funny i am constantly trying to control them lest we get UFCKING MURDERED BY MY 'MOTHER'#i think itd be ''severe'' if i didnt mask so much.#NOT OT MENTION I DONT KNOW IF MY TRAUMA IS BAD ENOUGH TO HAVE IT????#because i fucking forgot msost of it. but also cuz im not too affected by it anymore because its nto MY trauma. *i* didnt expereince it#and i feel like i experienced most of my trauma too late to have it???#i hate. my brain. just fuckig remmeber. idiot#this is stupid. im sure its nothing but idk anymore.#I CANT REMEMBER SHIT FROM PAST WHENIW AS . LIKE. 13-14 OR SO#SURELY SOMETHING HAPPENEDRIGHT??? why cant i remember#this is stupid i probably dont have it and just want attention. but i cant tell until i seek professional help for it#but the mental health specialists are out to get me. theyll hurt me i think.i cant trust anyone anymore#theres probablya reason its stopping me from remembering. i shouldnt look too far into it ...#ANWYAY I NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT SOMEHWERE....#sorry for the long text#tw abuse
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Thank you for your tags on the baeddalism post. As someone who is aroace (formerly biace) and a nb transmasc I've literally watched every identity I have be dragged into discourse time and time again and it's always the exact same rhetoric to a nauseating degree. People are so terminally online that they constantly invent new nonexistent stereotypes of other queer identities to get mad at or just pick a queer identity to be the monster of the week, and it's excruciating to see it repeat the same way everytime.
I wanted to try to respond to this more eloquently after i had some caffeine, but if we wait for eloquence itll go unanswered for years. but lmao yea of course. Im also aroace and enby. I was here since like 2014, I suffered through reading all these same stupid arguments about a-specs and my tolerance for it is so fried. The queer infighting and gatekeeping bullshit is so rotting. I hope we learn one of these days. My disillusion that this keeps fucking happening is at least tempered by the fact that all the blogs who I followed for good takes on inclusionism and queer solidarity during the acecourse are also not tolerating this shit, and they are recognizing it as the same old bullshit its been the whole time.
#asks#tiredtief#i am so bad at actually Arguing w ppl so i try to avoid engaging directly as usual but i continue my tradition of#steaming in the fucking tags lmao#anyway hi. welcome. ill follow back. u seem nice#also i wish it was just terminally online brainrot but unfortunately i think this shit predates the internet#and this shit = ppl being stupid bitchy assholes to each other. i have an unfortunate feeling that it is merely an extension of the old.#call yourself a community organizer but youre not on speaking terms with your ex roommates thing. and its annoying ppl#applying like toxic friend group drama dynamics to a marginalized community cos they cant help but pick fucking fights i guess#my point is ppl have probably been being stupid toxic assholes about community since we started being people and having community#and it sucks and its always sucked but we made it this far. so hopefully we can keep going to go be stupid assholes to each other in the#future. i worry this is coming across as misanthropic. its only a little misanthropic. humans is humans. not good or bad but also i think#as social animals we are fundamentally fucking Annoying. i want to believe that we can like. get to a point where we stop arguing about#peoples identities like this. and maybe we will. but we will almost certainly be arguing about some other dumb shit. hopefully like some#low stakes fandom discourse or sports teams. discourse is brainrot but getting into meaningless arguments with fans of a different sports#team does fundamentally feel like a healthier expression of toxicity than starting queer separatist movements in the name#of protecting vulnerable ppl while not realizing that seperatism is just Isolating vulnerable ppl making them more susceptible to all the#harms you claim to want to prevent. dont ever fall for the reactionary exclusionist kool aid folks. even if they frame it as#reactionary seperatism. thats bad for you and your whole community youre cutting yourself off from and we cant be doing that shit#with fucking fascism impending everywhere and shit that targets and harms all of us up on the chopping block. goddddd#anyway. i need to go to the store.
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